Brain Injury, Run to Homebase and the Boston Bombing

at 5:30am we were on the MBTA

In 1986, or there about, I flipped over on a bicycle at 35mph, and hit my head. Fortunately, I was wearing an excellent helmet. Unfortunately, it was 1986, and the insurance world and medical world had no clue about brain injuries. This is the beginning of my education on the ravages of mental illness in America.

They discovered that my left shoulder was messed up badly but never thought of my brain.

 I am told that six months later, I tried to kill myself.

I do not remember anymore, but that started the process that led me to a neuropsychiatrist who diagnosed me with traumatic brain injury (TBI) and many other cool mental illness issues, all of which led them to tell me that I would be permanently hospitalized and divorced within a year.

They were wrong.

 I still have depression (organic affective disorder) 24/7. I still have significant issues with loud noises I do not expect, bright lights, stress, changes in almost anything, groups of people who know who I am, groups of people I can not control or avoid, loss of impulse control, and any social situation. There is more, but I just wanted you to get the picture. This state of mental illness is what my insurance company called recovered. Sense of humor, huh? 

 "Selfless giving is the art of living."– Frederic Lenz

However, the picture above is of my wife Anne and my daughter Barbi. (I am still married.) They got up at 3 am and drove to the Boston metroplex on Saturday, May 4, 2013, so Anne could run in her 4th annual and the 4th annual Run to Home Base. Why you may be asking, is she running to help others who are family members of people with TBI and PTSD?

 "Help thy brother's boat across and lo! Thine own has reached the shore." – Hindu Proverb

 Because we are still married, even though my insurance company stole from me through their corporate stupidity or brilliance, depending on your point of view, in spite of the prediction of our doctors, despite the genuine issues of TBI, she wants to help others who are not so fortunate to have a God and a family who supports them with this condition. So she runs.

Well, there is another pretty big reason. When you run this race, you get to cross HOME BASE at Fenway Park if you finish in time. If you are a baseball fan, you might begin to understand how cool that is, but it takes a Red Sox fan to understand the enormity of the lure. You get to touch THE Home Base ...  and if your quick, you get to touch the grass too, but you have to be quick because they guard it like a hawk. 

 "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile"– Albert Einstein

I only bring this up to underscore how fantastic the event is. TBI is a killer  It kills the people with it; it kills their families and their friends. Literally sometimes, figuratively all the time. Yet, in Boston, the Mass General Hospital, a major player in dealing with TBI, and the Boston Red Sox, along with a list of corporate sponsors too large to list in the blog, (but you can see if you click the picture of Fenway Park above,) got together to raise over 10 million dollars to support veterans and their families who suffer from TBI or PTSD. Pretty cool.

 My wife, Anne, has donated over $20,000 from her business to this event. I am telling you this because her business and our family can not afford to give that much, yet she does it anyway. Every year, she runs the race, crosses the line, and finds a way to donate $1000, because TBI is that bad.

 "We rise by lifting others."– Robert Ingersoll

 If you look at her left wrist, you will see two bracelets. The gold one is from McCoy's Action Karate and is her commitment bracelet from their "I Must" program, where she committed to her intention to raise $1000 and run in her fourth "Run to Home Base," race to help others not as fortunate as we are, concerning suffering from TBI. The blue bracelet was sent to her by one of her karate instructors, who donated $1000 to last year's race, Grand Master Greg Silva, from United Professionals. It says, "I Will."  Mr. Silva, she did! Thank you.

Just in case you are thinking, "How Sweet," I want you to know what was going on during this same time, in my mind, the one with TBI. The one we consider fortunate to have suffered so little and the one whom the insurance company decided did not have anything wrong with them (or an attorney that could sue them, not sure which.) 

"Non nobis solum nati sumus. (Not for ourselves alone are we born.)"– Marcus Tullius Cicero

 

Anne Crossing the Finish Line

I was consumed with the safety of my wife. Every siren I heard, every cop I saw, every official that came near us I thought was there to tell me my wife was hurt, damaged, or in the hospital. I was terrified. At some point, we sat down near the finish line to wait for my wife to run into Fenway. At the appointed time, she did run in, and I began to feel my heartbeat again. I mean that literally.  The panic attack subsided, and my breath and blood performed as designed. Then we spent 10 minutes waiting for her to navigate from the finish line to the place where they crossed home plate.  There were hundreds of people in front of her and behind her.  It had been taking nearly 15 minutes to move from the finish line to Homebase, so we waited, secure in the knowledge that Anne was safe.

Did it tell you how much TBI sucks? At about 8 minutes, we started looking at every face crossing Homebase to get a picture. For the next 10 minutes, we got closer and closer and began to worry. Even my daughter began to worry, and she is not prone to panic. But I am. I freaked out. I assumed they took her away to a hospital. I could not breathe, swallow, and the migraine always there telescoped my vision and nearly made me fall. The right side of my body went numb, and the chest pain was unbelievable.

Then we found her. It turns out she did not want to stop running until she got to Homebase, and the other runners were all just hanging out, so she runs to the base and then went to sit down.

This is the life of a person with TBI, PTSD, and a laundry list of mental illness as a result.

 So my take one the USA’s medical treatment of mental illness is not good.

Day 30 -The Courage of a Stronghold - Daily Inspirational Verses from Real Life

Psalm 27:1 - (ESV): "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?"

Many times in the daily and weekly life of someone with TBI, as I am, thoughts of leaving it all behind enter your life.  Frequently, if you pay attention to the sports news, that ends end death at your own hand, one of the charming outcomes of living or not living with TBI.  More often, the idea of just getting into a car and driving off to nowhere often seems appealing.  A Mountain Stronghold would be awesome.

I have actually gotten into a car and driven off, not knowing where I was going, and since I have no ability to read a map or follow written directions, my intention was to get lost and never come back.  A few times it took days to find my way back.

Today was one of those days.  Once again, an agency that should know better has decided once again to see if I really have TBI.  For 3 hours, I could not breath, or think, or stop shaking.  My wife tells me I have been here before; many times, nearly all the time, but since short term memory and long term memory are also issues with TBI, I have to take her word for it.

Then it dawned on me.  Of who should I be afraid.  It does not matter what someone else says or thinks, my God knows the truth and has always taken care of me.  He will here too.  I began to calm down, and spent some time in prayer.  At fist asking for rescue, then for peace.

As I started to relax, my wife told me she talked to them, and this was just a routine exam; one they had not done in 20 years.  Ok, that was fast.  God answered that prayer.

Yet, if you know TBI, you know there is the rest of tomorrows to worry about what others think. Today, I remind myself that courage means doing the right thing, and knowing my God will always take care of me.  Doing the right thing is all I have had to look forward to for 20 plus years, and I am still there.  God has always been there for me.

He will be for you to.

Pull back the curtain of fear, and let the light of our Lord into your life.  He is for you, so what does it really matter who is against you.  You have already won, you just don't know what form the victory will take.

Get ready to stand with your God in the stronghold he has built around you.

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For information on be certain of your Status with God, overcoming your actions that keep you from God, and allowing you to accept his free gift of eternal life, Click Here.

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Well Done, Now Be Happy! - Dealing with Limitations

Used with Permission from GoodJobNotes.com

When I was much younger, my Tang Soo Do Karate Instructor, (Korean Karate) told me a story about fleas, a story I had studied in psychology in undergraduate school back in the '70's. (My degree was in Physics from Denison University in Granville Ohio, my minor was Psychology.) As I remember, the story was called the Flea Trainer Story.

If you take a bunch of fleas, and put them in a beaker, they will nearly all jump out. A flea, it turns out, can jump somewhere near 100 times it size. Now, take a bunch of new fleas, put them in the same beaker, place a piece of glass over the jar, so it now has a glass ceiling. At first, all the fleas keep jumping up, and smacking into the glass lid, but eventually, they stop bumping into the lid.  After awhile, you can take the lid off the jar, and they are no longer hitting the ceiling.  

Thus, the fleas are trained to jump lower than they are able, and they are totally unaware of their real potential.

The application to a coach, teacher or someone who sells good feelings to the public is obvious.  The question to ask is, What is YOUR glass ceiling?

I bought into that story hook line and sinker when I was young.  I bought into again, after I was injured, (for the story of my injury, read Diving into the Unknown - An Act of Faith.)  I have spent the better part of my adult life accepting responsibility for my limitations, and finding ways around them partly because of this story and other feel good stories just like it.

That is a good thing, accepting responsibility for your actions and life, but unfortunately, it is NOT the path to happiness that I once thought it was.  Reducing our life to "One Thing," in order to accomplish it, as goal setting theory encourages us to do, tends to lead us away from the truth, not towards it.  It is "Man's Wisdom," not God's.  It is a trap that has caught me more than once.

Do not think I am telling you that people don't have false ceilings, for they and I do.  That is still a good tool to understand that we have issues with our abilities, but the trap lies in forgetting where the truth and source of all power and success is.  If you think that the human spirit is boundless and the source of all happiness, as I once did and taught, you might very well spend you life looking for the answer, but never getting it.  

Let me give you an example from my life.  I was told that I would not be married in 1 year from my injury, because my condition was intolerable for my spouse.  True enough.  Nothing has changed there, except that I am still married after 20 plus years.  The doctors forget to account for God and my wife.  My wife knows God, and has learned to lean on him when I am not leaning on God, or any other rational or irrational set of behaviors.  Thus, we are still married.

I was also told that I would be in a hospital for the rest of my life, or dead.  Many people who have TBI do kill themselves.  Junior Seau from the NFL is a particularly well known and sad example. (If you want to read about that experience from my TBI perspective, then read Jr. Seau, TBI and God.)  I even tried to kill myself once.  That experience led directly to me finding out I was injured, and that led me to God.  However, the Doctors are wrong again.  I am, in fact, still in the world, and helping people overcome their glass ceilings.  How? -  God, and see the part of the story above about my wife.  My daughter plays a huge roll in that too.

Yet, there are some things that are gone forever, and I can never lean on again. 

I can not work. If I had a normal job, I would have to have someone drive me there, and back again, since 1/2 the time I can not remember where I live, and driving alone is very difficult for me.  I have to stop every 15 minutes or so, and walk around.  Loss of impulse control is a moment to moment part of my life.  I can picture working for someone who asks me to do something I can not do, or have forgotten, or is the wrong thing, and ending up a resident of the local police station.  So, I can not be the financial support to my family, to my church, to anyone.  When I was first injured, I had disability insurance.  It was hard to take the monthly checks, because it was a reminder that I was forever removed from the world's expectations, even from the churches expectations, that I should provided for my family.  Be the head of household.  Can't do it, and did not want to be reminded I could not do it.  

Short story to explain how hard it is to fit into the world with TBI.  I can focus on one task, to the exclusion of all others.  This is usually seen as a big problem, but when I was first hurt, a friend asked me to tile his laundry room with slate, and another friend showed me how.  They did this to help me feel useful, and to get me out of my wife's hair.  It worked on the first part, but she had to be there to support me, so it did not work on the second part.  Someone from the church I attended at the time drove up and asked for help moving something like a rolled carpet.  I had no idea who they were, but my wife told me I knew them from church. One of the problems with TBI is that you don't deal well with people you do not know or with surprises.  I had a full blown panic attack, and migraine from hell, drooling, loss of vision and extreme anger.  My wife told me to chill out, and she would help them move the stuff, so I could continue to do the floor.  That gave me an out; I got to be useful doing the floor, and she would get me away from the unwanted social contact.  Nice plan. They guy from my former church comes running in and starts lecturing me on how men behave.  How horrible I was.  How horrible I was to my wife.  What a bad man and bad Christian I was.  It took every thing I had not to rip his head off his shoulders. I had to sit on my hands, I had to look at the ground and bit my tongue.  20 Years latter, I still taste bile in my throat thinking about it.  Why?  Because part of me agrees with him.  What I want to be, and what I can be are different.  I assumed I had put a glass ceiling in the way, and was bumping my head on it.  I was a trained flea. Plus, I assumed that everything someone from my church said was right.  Double punch.  Pain everywhere.

If it were only one story, I would and should tell myself to get over it, but it is never ending.  One of my karate instructors told my wife the same thing about me.  When we were in Italy, on a karate trip, I had, according to him, developed the habit of walking away from the group.  Doing my own thing, and making her come with me.  This behavior, and others related to it, he told my wife made me a bad man.  She did not tell me about this for 10 years, for if I had heard that then, I might well have experience than same result that many NFL players experience when TBI takes their lives away.  Since she knew the truth, she just did not tell me. When I heard about it, it took we two weeks to remember who I was. (No Joke ... I did not remember my name, my family or what I should do when I woke up.)  Why?  Because I assumed he was right; that I was a bad man, that I had put a glass ceiling over my own head once again.

I was wrong.  I am who I am, or what Popeye used to say, I Yam what I Yam.  I am not the captain off all I see.  I must learn to deal with the limitations that I have. I am learning how to trust and lean on other people.  I will still find ways to get over, under or through the walls in front of me, but I must use the tools and gifts and people that  I have around me now, not the ones that the world thinks I should have.  I yam what I yam.

Here is the secret to success, the key to everything.  Here is how I get to hear, well done, be happy.

Use the tools and gifts you have to the best of your ability.  In the process, you will learn more, get better, and develop, but you can never do more than using your gifts and tools to the best of your ability.  This is also a biblical principle, for those who are asking themselves on whose authority I say this.  In Matthew 25, Jesus tells a parable about just this thing.  

What are my tools and gifts?  How can I help society, and in a larger view, God's people? 

I can teach.  Teach the bible and teach karate.

We do it very differently both at the karate school and at our church.  I don't have any pre-conceived notions about what people want or need from my art.  I let them, with their words and actions, tell me, and the same applies in Sunday school.  We wash feet, to put it in biblical terms.

Today I read a phrase used by Pastor Stephen Gibney of Soul Health Care in New Jersey, that says it better than I have ever hear it said before; which only tells you that I am not as well educated in biblical matters as I should be.

Monergistic Regeneration - "God effects a change which is radical and all-pervasive, a change which cannot be explained in terms of any combination, permutation or accumulation of human resources, a change which is nothing less than a new creation by Him who calls the things that be not as though they were, who spoke and it was done, who commanded and it stood fast. This, in a word, is regeneration." - John Murray  (Taken from Monergism.com)

I am now trying to stop my comparisons between what the world and I expect out of me to who I am, and instead, look with awe and wonder upon what God has made me into.  I see it in the eyes of my students every time I look.  We change lives, and we do it by using the tools and gifts we were given, and letting God do the rest.  If it were just us, none of this would have happened.  What we have done can not be explained in human terms.  God walks the halls of our lives.

This, it turns out, is the key to everything.  Do Your Best, Using all Your Talents, Tools and the People around you, and God does the rest.  

Love them Anyway - or Hate in TBI

The Golden Rule - Do Unto Others
as You Would Have them Do Unto You.

Do you remember the Golden Rule that we were taught when we were young?  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  I am sure someone told me this was from Luke 6:31, but I don't remember much about church or Sunday school, or about being young. (This being one of the least awesome benefits of having TBI.) The reason that I show a Ruler, also called a rule, instead of using the standard definition of a rule, being something we have to follow, is the context of Luke 6.  I seems that Jesus is telling us to just treat others they way we want to be treated, but rather it is a different way, a bigger way, to look at the Lords Prayer.  In the Lords prayer we ask God to forgive us as just as we have forgiven others.  In other words, we are not forgiven unless we forgive others.  More on that later.

It came as a shock today when I was looking for some background on a quote from Mother Teresa poem about "Do it Anyway." As it turns out, the poem credited to Mother Teresa was a spiritual re-write of The Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent M. Keith.  The reason I was shocked was because I assumed it was a simple instruction to treat others well. It is not.  It is a total life style change, that requires me to understand what I am about; what my value to others and to God's plan is.  It demands of me more that I can give, yet I give it anyway. Do It Anyway By Keith, Kent M. (Google Affiliate Ad).

Let me start at the beginning.  One of the many oddities of my TBI is the difficulty social activities and driving adds to my daily functioning.  We took a karate trip once to Italy.  Everyone in the group was very social. They hung out, talked and did all the things that my wife really likes to do.  I on the other hand, get massive migraines, get sick, as in power hurling, and even lose vision and to some degree the ability to speak.  If the activity is challenging and long enough, the symptoms might last for weeks.  So when they come up, I leave the situation as quietly as I can.  The only problem is, when you are on tour, in Venice Italy, and you have no short term or long term memory, there is a better than even chance you will get lost, and never find you way back.  No the astute reader will be thinking about now, why not just ask someone the way back.  That would assume you knew the name of your hotel, you remembered where you key is with the name of the hotel, you remembered to bring your wallet with a note it it, and that asking for help from a stranger would not cause to to get even sicker. Putting all that aside, however, I would tell my wife that I was going to go away for a while, or go back to my room.  Then leave, before I made a huge mess of everybody elses trip.  My wife, being the saint that she is, would come too, knowing that I would never make it.  We would then go off and explore on our own.

Much later, I was verbally assaulted by the leader of the group.  One of the great evils that he pointed out about my life, was that I would just walk away from the group on trips, forcing my wife into bad situations.  He thought that was unmanly.  I didn't tell him the truth.  Truth is irrelevant when people have made up their minds.  Just let it go.  He hurt me.  Many years latter I found out that it was only I he wanted to hurt.  My daughter and wife were good people, but I was a pariah.  So my behavior cost me a relationship, and my whole family.  I could have let them continue in their relationship, but that option was never given to me.  My wife the saint again.  So it still hurts. I hate that part of my life, and no one that was involved will ever understand.

We used to train at a friend's school about 1.5 hours away from our house.  He was a Christian and a very good teacher.  He invited us to his staff class, and out of respect and a desire to be one of the boys, my wife and I made the effort.  The class was 8am, so we had to wake up at 5am to get to the class, and then drive 1.5 hours to get there, take the class, with people all of whom were 20 years or more younger than I, and then drive 1.5 hours back.  No biggie.  It was worth it.  Today I found out why we stopped going, and why the relationship broke down.  I always assumed it was because of a business mess up of one of our former friends, but as it turns out, it was not.  It seems that after I drive 1.5 hours I get to experience one of my unique forms of seizure activity, where I start losing my speech, some of my vision in my right eye, and a migraine that takes hours to days to get rid of sets in.  I don't remember this stuff because, well, I have TBI.  Worse than that, the social pressure had a like impact, and the 1.5 hours back also had a cumulative impact. What was the result?  A separation between this friend of long standing and I.  It gets deeper by the year.  Seems no one can understand.  Seems I am expected to man up and face .... or something like that.  That hurts.

Earlier this week I was talking to a friend of mine that also has TBI.  Seems that this is a common experience for us.  I may have known that at one time, but I don't remember.

Back to the Golden Rule.  John 6:27 is an imperative.  Love you enemies and do good to those who hate you.  But the love that Jesus is talking about is super natural Love.  It can only come from the Lord.

It gets worse in 6:28.  Here we are told to pray for those who hurt us, and bless or be a blessing to them.  This one anyone can do.  Do good things for them.

So that means I need to allow this stuff to happen, and not ruin their day with the useless truth.  Just smile, and take it.  Love them anyway.

But it gets worse.  In 6:29 we are told to suck it up when we are assaulted.  They want 1 pound of flesh, offer them 2.  Give more than they would take from you on their own.  What????

But it gets far worse.  In 6:30 we are told to give things to ANYONE who asks, and NEVER try to get it back. Give me a break.  Just give it to them.

Now, finally we are at the golden rule.  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  This is far more challenging that it seems on the surface.  Jesus means us to never assault anyone for any error.  You know, when you make a horrible mistake, and you go and tell the truth, you are hoping they hug you and forgive you, but instead, they post their hate on facebook.  What did you want?  Forgiveness.  What did you get?  Hate.  Jesus says to not only forgive them, but go the extra mile.  And when you are done, go the extra mile again.

So, what I learned to day was to let it go.  I do karate to help people.  I do help people.  Some of them kick me in the teeth, because they don't understand.  I love them anyway.  They hurt me and mine, but I love them anyway.  Why?  Because I love Jesus, and that is what he did for me.

Love them anyway.

Dare to be Different - Mahl Kita

Used by Permission by www.GoodJobNotes.com

The biggest problem with being different is that you, just by being different, fly in the face of what everyone thinks is right and what they expect from you.  Most of the time, being different is considered being wrong, and causes overt and direct attacks as well word of mouth and rumor attacks.  It almost never causes success in the world, unless it answers the question, "What's in it for Me."

In the west, what's in it for me means $$$ most of the time.  Nothing wrong with $$$, but if that is not your goal, your mission, your calling from God, then whatever your calling is, is not going to go over so well with the population at large most of the time.

This is my story about being different.

In the early 80's, which you might know already if you have read Dark Well of Despair - Light of Hope, I fell off a bicycle and sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury.  Up unto that point, I was 3 credit hours from getting my Masters in Physics, though I had temporarily abandoned that path, I was a fairly successful life insurance sales person in a team with my wife, and I had a 2 year old daughter.  Life was good, and I was rolling in money.


That stopped when I hit my head.  I nearly lost my house, with one of those can't get if from anyone else emergency mortgages.  If just so happened that the bank I had originally borrowed from was being bought out, and the loan officer was attending the same church we were attending.  I knew there was a God, and that it was important to be seen going to Church in our community, but I had not idea who God was.  Seems he knew who I was though. The load officer called my wife, and said my credit rating was horrible, since I had not paid any bills since my injury, at least 6 months earlier.  He was going to rewrite the loan anyway, and pay for the second mortgage, the water pump that just blew up, and the unpaid mortgage, because "it was going to be the last good thing the bank would do, before it went under."  At the time, I had no idea that was God.  I was so drugged out on pain pills, and well over 100lbs heavier than I was 6 months earlier, I was only aware of my own pain.  I did not really know we were losing our house.  My wife was dealing with that.  Seems God was helping her.

I was told that I could sue the state, since they mis-aligned the sewer grate that flipped me over, but I was also told that I was possibly partially responsible.  I was on the bike.  So I would only get $200,000.  Never entered our minds after that though.  Why?  Because my wife was different.  If I was responsible, then I would pay for it.  So we did.

We owed over a 1/4 of a million in debt, not counting the house, which a year earlier was not an issue, but now that I was messed up, could not think, was in pain, and was never going to come out the other end, all that debt was oppressive.

My house was falling apart.

My income had fallen apart.

I was going down, and I was not born for failure.  I tried to kill myself. That was a call out to God, though I would have denied that at the time. I was reaching out of my despair and he reached out and grabbed ..... no, not my hand.  That would have been too freaking easy.

My daughter was found by God when she was 8ish, and by the time she was 15ish, God had found me too.  Turns out he had found my wife decades before. Anyway, that changed everything.  Everything.

Now, getting rid of the debt, anyway we could, was not the priority.   Paying the debt was.  I borrowed it, so I was going to pay it back.  Different.  But that is what the spirit told us to do.  So we did it.  It took us until my daughter graduated from college.

Eventually my Disability Insurance agreed to pay.  My doctor told me to learn karate.  I broke every window in my house in anger.  Life was just getting weird.  The neurologist was right though, but for a reason he never would have predicted.  Turns out I am a gifted teacher.  Since we were now following the Spirit when ever we knew what was being asked of us, we discovered I could give back to the community by helping others defeat their issues.  After all, I was never going to work again, but I could teach karate.  We tried to pay me, but every time we even talked about it, I got ill, so the doctor, my wife decided they were right.  I would never work again, yet I could give back.

We were different.  We teach karate not to make money, but to help others.  We always have, since we started.

What was the reward from the world?  My insurance company stole my insurance payments from me, and two years of my life, as they tied to steal much more.

Some students, though a small percentage, can't understand what's in it for me, so they vocally accuse us for all sorts of strange stuff.  Why?  Because we are different.  I have never been paid, and never will be.  I don't do it for the money.  I could not do it for the money if I wanted to.  I do it for the students, because that is what I do for God.  I use his gifts to give to his people.

The worldly reward have not yet arrived.  Only more difficulty, but God's rewards have been outstanding.  Let me list a few.

1)  I am not supposed to be married anymore.  No one with my injury is.  I am.  God 1 Point. (Well, ok, 1,000,000 points, but no one would understand that scoring.)

2) I get to teach karate and at the same time, all the values that God has taught me.  The Bible is a living book, and I get to pass it on, to everyone.  God gets another point.

3) I get to teach Sunday School, when crowds in stores, outside, or anywhere near me make me ill, but he has again surrounded me with people, like at karate, that understand, and help me help others.  God gets another point.

4) I Lost all my physics.  I can't even add 2 digit numbers.  I gained teaching.  God gets another point.

5) I have had financial set back after financial set back, and the people around me and my family for the most part have stepped in and helped us help others.  God gets another point.

6) I got to go on a mission trip with my family and a few close friends.  We taught karate and God in the Philippians.  God gets another point.

7) As dumb as it sounds, I have 5 cats.  They love me.

6) I have the best adult daughter in the world.  Period.  I will fight you over that.

My wife, my daughter and I dare to be different.  Why, because it takes different this day and age to follow the Lord, but Love is Love.  We have it. We share it.

So, I beg you, Be like the apple at the front of this blog.  Be Different for the Lord.

Mahal kita.

Faith without Works is Hypocrisy or My Wife is Super Women

8:10am - Anne in Group Two at the Start of Run for Home Base 2012

Sunday Morning, at 8:10am, Anne McCoy, my wife, started the 9k road race fund raiser called Run to Home Base, 2012. The 9k, put on by Mass General Hospital, the Red Sox Foundation and New Balance, along with many other sponsors and helpers, is run primarily to provide support for soldiers who return from war with TBI ( Traumatic Brain Injury) and to support their families, who are at least as damaged by the injury as their soldier is.

A little back ground.  Anne is 54 years old for this race.  It is her third race.  She runs it to help the families of those injured.  This is because her husband has had TBI for nearly 25 years, and during that whole time, the McCoy's have beat the odds, and she wants to help others beat the odds too.

It is NOT just another race to her. It is working out her faith. In Micah 7:7, Micah says: "But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me." It is hard to explain how living with a family member with TBI changes everything.  The person you married is not longer there, and is replaced by someone else.  In our case, Paul was a physicist.  He now can not add 2 digit numbers in his head, and lives in a world of fear, brought on by the injury, and it's full array of affective disorders.  Anne finds herself in the position of primary care giver for a person who is not the person she married, and is only getting worse.  Add to that a fairly major loss of memory both short and long term, and you get a picture of a spouse under attack.  But she leans on the Lord, and he has heard her.  In return, she is reaching out so others can find peace.  With this injury, it is all about faith, because the reality of the whole thing is hard to fathom.

So, every year she and Paul get up at 2:15am, so they can leave their home to pick up there adult daughter Barbara, and drive to Boston, so she can run in the race.  In order to run in the race, you must raise a minimum of $1000.  Anne and her daughter own a small business in Massachusetts called McCoy's Action Karate, and as you might imagine, in this or any economy, $1000 commitment is large, but such is the nature of her faith and her desire to help.  To say nothing of waking up that early in the morning.

By 5:00am, they have arrived at Riverside MBTA, the first stop on the Greenline, for a 30 minute ride on a train to Fenway park.  Why this early?  Because the organizers want you to check in by 6:30am.  You can see from the picture, she is far more awake than at 3:00am, and still far from awake.

15 minutes after this picture was taken, the train showed up.  On its 12 or so stops before she got off the train, maybe 20 people got on and rode the train.  That is how early it was on a Sunday morning.

Opening Ceremony - 8:15am

From 6:30 to 8:15, you get to walk around Fenway park, read the signs and history, learn about TBI, and wait for the opening speeches.  In our case, 90% of the displays talks about getting help soon, in order to limit the damage.  When Paul was damaged in the mid 80's, few even knew what TBI was, and there was no treatment to speak off.  Constant battles with insurance companies, one of which ended badly in 2007ish.  TBI is not really recognized by anyone, except the person with it, and every once in a while, the families of those with TBI.  So most of this stuff just reminded us that Paul was permanently damaged, and there is no road back.  It is over, and the only hope is that the slide down the hill will be slow.  Not really inspiring. Yet, Barbara and Anne McCoy found material that will help their Karate Instructors help parents prevent injury in their student at karate and at any other sport.  So, though it is an atmosphere of no hope for Paul, it was an atmosphere of Hope for others.  That is how faith works.  You love your neighbor, and you let God take care of you.

Then the race starts, and the picture of that is at the top of this blog.  During the race, which for Anne took 1 hour and 20 minutes, you hear stories of soldiers and family members who have been injured and suffered from TBI, the "invisible wound."  This year, they had a vet from Desert Storm as a Marine, who when he returned home, became a State Police Officer.  When 9/11 shocked the US, he re-enlisted, this time as a member of the US Army Special Forces.  When he returned, his life went down hill, because, as he put it, he did not wish to admit he was wounded with a brain injury.  He was arrested, tried, and Run to Home Base became his salvation and way back to life in the world.  He accepts that he is responsible for his actions, loss of impulse control being one of the most common symptoms of TBI, and urged us to help others with this horrible injury.

Anne Finished at 9:20am

This is a hard thing to hear when you have lived a life that is close to what you are hearing.  It is hard to admit you are injured.  Far easier to accept responsibility for your actions in fact.  Admitting that you can not help yourself is the HARDEST part of TBI, and is one of the biggest reason so many with the injury end up dead or in jail.

Anne runs this race to make a statement that only God helped her, since TBI was unknown when Paul was injured.  Now, she can be the hands and feet of God by reaching out to others, and that is what she did, so far 3 years in a row.

We finished our trip by returning home by 1:30pm Sunday afternoon.  

Let me summarize.  TBI is horrible to live with, but once you have the injury for 20 years, you are not going to get any better.  You only have a few choices.  One,  the most common, is to destroy your marriage and life, perhaps even end your life.  The other is to live with it.  Anne has picked option 3.  She is helping others, out of Love for them and because of the Love the Lord has shown her.  Faith in action.

Why else?  Because Anne, my wife, is a Super Hero.

Oh, and to get this picture ....  Super Hero Anne with another Super Hero,

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Did you Know we have a Facebook page where a daily bible verse and at times some awesome help from others is available?  Visit DoesGodServeYou on Facebook.

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If you would like to help Anne build her fund for the race she just ran, or for next year, donate here.  Do something.  Love is an action.

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Jr Seau, TBI and God

Photo From
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Junior_Seau

Today, Jr. Seau died.  I know his name, because it is all over sport radio in Boston .. he was one of the best for the NE Patriots it would seem.  I really don't follow football.  I really don't follow much in professional sports, except for MLB, and even that only since 2003.  I played sports my whole life.  Watching them never really was enough.  Plus, I broke my back playing football in High School, so it does not recommend itself to me very well.

All that aside, his death nearly took me with him.  From the moment I heard of it, until I started helping people on the karate floor, all I could think of was:

1) He found a way out,
2) NO ONE understands TBI
3) Even people of Faith are clueless

Let me explain.  I have TBI, and I am still married.  That in itself is odd, as I was told that I most likely would not be after the first year.  Everyone I know tells me I will not be in the next year.  Yet I am.  That is God and my wife working on the same team.  I found out that his family were all sad.  That he had just told them that he loved them.  That they will miss him.  I heard this on the radio.  Errr..   If that were the case, why were you no longer married?  I know, he was messed up.  All people with brain injuries are messed up.  Yet, God and Love over come.  I know the hell I put my wife through.  So does she.  Yet we are married.  All glory to the God of creation. He gives my wife strength!

Then, the announcers on the radio were in shock. Why?  People with TBI think about the hopelessness of the situation all the time.  If it were not for God in my life, explaining to me the requirements of action that Love entail, I too would have taken this door to peace long ago. I have tried.  I almost did again when I heard this story. It is way past hard.

All the things you used to do, you can not even remember. Everyone else does.  But You don't.  Since you constantly doubt yourself, you constantly help others overcome that very thing.  That is what TBI people do.  Help others.  If they don't, the strike out at the world, and end up in jail.  Look at all the past professional sports players who have brain injury.  The path is littered with failure after sport.  TBI destroys lives.  God restores them.

Then there was as famous player who called the station.  His idea was that all the brain injury data in the last 10 years was the result of bad nutrition.  How else, he asked, can you explain the increase.  He discounted the commonly held idea that we know what TBI is, and 10 years ago we did not.

What?  He was a main of faith, and instead of bringing the only hope a brain injured person can have, and I mean ONLY hope, God, he brought up some nut case idea.  My dad had TBI from WWII.  They called it shell shock, and told him to get over it.  He never did.  Sound familiar?  It has always been there. It will always be there.

So, I was once again reminded of the absolute ignorance of what a brain injury does to a person; how it wrecks lives and saps the future, and destroys the families. The people out there are clueless.  They just see a rich sports guy whose life went bad. They may or may not be sad. depending on the persons performance in the sport and perhaps his behavior afterwards.  Yet, he is still dead, or in jail. I see a tortured man who did not have support from his family or God, and took the ONLY other way out.  It made me cry.  It made we wonder if he was right to take that way out, and if I should too.  It made me wonder if I could reach out to others before it was too late, and bring them the coolest hope there is.  It made me remember how much my wife and daughter mean to me.  It reminded me of how much of a failure I am in every way I used to measure.  It made me cry.

Jr.  I don't know who you are, and I don't even like football, but you have given me tears, fear, and hope.  May God's kingdom grow because of your pain, and may you find peace with your maker.

John 3:16 (ESV) - “For God so loved the world,^[a] that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

If you would like to know more about the Peace of God, the Gift of Eternal Life and the only way out of the pain in TBI, leave a message, and I will get back to you.

Living in a Haze or There Ain't No Flies on Me

When I was very young, my father taught we two phrases that keep showing up in my life.  One was, "There are NO Atheist in Fox Holes," and the other was, "God makes no Junk."


The former phrase was his way of expressing his faith, and how he came by it.  He was a infantry man in World War II and a paratrooper in the Korean Conflict.  He was wounded in the later war, and the injuries and infections he received there lasted the rest of his life.  If you are interested in what is titled a "Real War Story," then one of his papers about how he was wounded fits the bill.


Anyway, he told me that everyone sees and believes in God when their lives are at stake, thus, you believe in God when you are in a Fox Hole.  I have never really paid attention to the implications of that simple statement until recently, when my own life has gotten difficult beyond belief. In fact, the difficulty of my life did drive me toward God, yet the real impact of this statement has become clear. The bible tells me that even the Devil believes in God. (James 2:19) It is more that belief that he wants. Don't get me wrong, it is Good that I was brought to God by my life's difficulty, but faith that results in actions is what God really wants, and that is proving to be difficult.  That , I finally believe, is the real meaning of what my father told me so log ago about.  Finding God in the difficult times is God. Living for God, however is the goal. (I talk about how this lesson is becoming part of my life in
Dark Well of Despair - Light of Hope.)

Photo with Permission by GoodJobNotes.com

That, however, is not the phrase that is impacting my life right now. The one that I am having issues with is "God does not Make Trash."  I have recently been brought face to face with the damage my life has caused to others, and the damage it might yet cause.  My self image has suffered in the learning, and suffers yet in the living of a life that surly feels more like garbage every day than it does like a life of value.  I wake with dread of what error I have arranged in someones else's life, and I go to sleep with a prayer that tomorrow will not be the day that some new issue arrives.  I can scarcely believe that I can even move about and the fear is solid and tangible.


Yet, each day, I, along with other teachers, family members of my own, and other families, get to interact with children, teens and adults, and see their lives change before our very eyes.


So, I live within a contradiction, created by the world my brain injury tells me I am living in, and the world that I actually live in verse the world of my mission.


I am a teacher.  That is what I do.  I teach Sunday School; I teach Karate; I teach.  There are few times where the world that my injury has created does not overwhelm me, and teaching is the strongest and longest lasting of those places and times.  I don't have to remind myself of my mission for the Lord when I am teaching.  I don't even have to think about it.  I just interact and teach.  Simple.  When I am closest to the Lord, there are no flies on me.


However, what about the other times.  


Like, when my insurance company sues me because they think I am working, not knowing or caring that I spend 12 hours in a dark room, talking myself into going out and helping others. They finally got the message, thanks be to God, but for 4 years, that was all I could think of when I was not teaching.


Like when the IRS decided I was a thief, only to find out I was poor, honest and stupid, when it comes to money. So they gave us a plan to find our way out.


Like when one of my wife's business locations suddenly does not have enough cash flow to survive, and the Land Lord would not take care of their end of the business arrangement, throwing us into a 12 month cycle of doubt.


Like when clients decide that my wife is evil, one of them going so far as relating us to "hell," no knowing or caring how much she has given them for the sake of their kids.  They all think it is me.  They all thank me, and are totally unaware that it is my Wife and Daughter who make it happen.   I just teach.  


For me, all this creates huge doubt and self loathing.  So large, just standing is hard.  Yet, when I focus on my gift, and my wife's gift, and my daughter's gift, and on the good we have done and are doing, I don't even know that I have difficulty standing. In fact, I help others stand.


Then there is the incredible people that surround our mission.  They help others as if they too were born to it.  We have surrounded ourselves with self actuating talent and gifted people who make things happen.  Don't know how that happened.  Just another sign of who really is the giver of gifts I suppose.  God is everywhere. I have begun to trust others again, something I assumed was lost forever.


So yes, I live in a haze, but God makes NO garbage, and their ain't no flies on me.


It is all something to learn from.  And why should I learn when learning is so hard for me?  Because it is not about me.  It is about them.  And it is about them, because it is about God, and God is all about them.





TBI is a dark cloud hanging over my life, but I am finally find a way through the fog.


Thanks be to God.

Dark Well of Despair - Light of Hope

Credit: Free images from acobox.com

Christmas morning I was helping my church teach the children, from Pre-K to 5th grade, at their "Birthday Party" for Jesus, our Christmas Sunday School class.


My wife and I were doing the pre-class games and the "fun" physical games after the music and teaching.   I love teaching, and do it without any issues, in spite of my brain injury.  Naturally, I have issues both before and after teaching, as is the way with people who have a TBI, but while I am teaching, I am just following my calling and changing lives.


Afterwards, my wife and daughter were socializing, as is their want, and I went to where there were very few people, and was reading a book on my Kindle App on my phone.  I went to where people were missing for a few reasons, the two most important being that I get ill socializing, from fear and other awesome mental fun, and second, reading requires pretty massive focus for me to do, once I was the happy owner of a TBI.


Anyway, while I was sitting in the stuffed chair, waiting for my wife, after the kids service, one of my former students at Sunday School walked out the building.   She is now a teenager, and at least 2 or 3 years removed from my class.  She is one of the very few who I actually remember the name of, because when she was in my class, her faith was challenged in a large way when her elder sister went to war in the middle east.  We bonded.  She was also one of the students who is physical, in that she liked to punch, push etc.  Cool with me, but unique, so I remember her.


Right after she walked out, a women that I knew I should have known walked in, right up to me and stopped.  I guessed she was the mother of the teen who just left, and said, "She has grown up."  The women just looked at me, and I began to think I guessed wrong, and really wanted to escape.  When you have TBI, reaching out to people is hard, because at the same time you are wondering if you really know who they are, you also assume they are judging you.  I stuck my neck out, and it felt like I had just blown it.


Then she said, "Have you heard about my Accident?"  


That had an echo of reality in it, in that I thought I might have heard about her accident, though I did not know what happened, why I should know, who she was, or who told me about it.  So I said, "No."

As it turned out, she also had TBI.  Many people do, but we all pretty much stay away from everyone, hide within our lives, and hope that it will all go away before someone asks us to do something we have forgotten how to do.  When someone who has TBI tells you they have TBI, and there is some reason to trust them, as there was in this case, she being the mother of one of my former students at church school, you get to relax.  Not much, but a little.  They generally are not judgmental.  


Somehow we got talking about a vision she had that described her desperation as a result of the injury.  I have never heard anything or read anything that described so well how I fell about my life with TBI.

PIT OF DESPAIR  - Hanging on but knowing you are going to lose.

Pit of Despair

The first part of the vision of her brain injury I tagged in my memory as "Pit of Despair."  She saw herself at stuck in a dark well, hanging on to a ladder with all her might, pretty sure there was no way out.  You look up, and all you see is darkness, not light, no way to the top.  Your arms are losing strength, and fear you will be forced to let go.  When you look down, you notice that there is a body at the bottom of the well.  That would be bad enough, as a reminder that you to are going to die, pretty soon, and lose everything.  Yet, just as that feeling of despair is about to take over your life, you notice that the body at the bottom of the pit is, in fact, yours. 


At this point, I noticed I was dizzy, and holding my breath.  This is exactly I how feel most of the time, when I am not teaching karate or church school. My whole life feels like I am holding on with the failing strength of my fingers, and the only certain thing is that I am cold, in the dark, and that help not only will not arrive, but does not even know I am stuck.  


But what about the body?  She told me that she assumed the body was who she used to be, before the brain injury took it all away.  Personally, I have let go of who I was.  Not because I have Superior Intelligence and strength of will, but much more simply, I can not longer remember who I was.  One of the advantages of have TBI  is long term memory loss. There is only one person left alive who remembers who I was before I was injured is my wife, Anne.  Everyone else was either too young, or met me after the injury.  


Yet, there was still some points in common between her life and mine, that surfaced when we discussed the body at the bottom of the well.  Before I was injured, I had never run into a problem that I could not solve personally.  I was smart enough, fast enough, and wise enough to tackle any problem and succeed.  I was so good, I really did not understand why everyone else was so stupid.  She, the women I was talking to, described it as arrogance, and in reflection, she hit the nail on the head.  The only part of my former life I can still taste, is the absolute arrogance I lived my life with.  So in that respect, my old self was also at the bottom of the well.  I can no longer solve every problem I see.  In fact, it is more likely that I can solve NO problem I have on my own.  I have become dependant on my wife, on students or fellow teachers for my validation.  I am secure that God Loves me, but knowing that I am being of service to the world in his name requires that I am told by someone I am making a difference.  I have NO ability or arrogance left.  I only have fear.


So here I am, standing in my church, talking to a women who I am supposed to know, but am unsure that I do know, listening to a description of her life that is exactly what I fell about my own.  I began to lose it. 


Light of Hope  - Holy Spirit to the Rescue

Light of Hope

So here I am, standing in my church, shaking in my knees, seeing 20 plus years of my life described by a women I don't know, but I should, and then she gives me some hope, and some envy.


She went on with her vision.  Just as she is about to let go of the ladder, because it is too hard to keep holding on, light beams start breaking down the bricks that make the well up.  The darkness begins to go away.  Light pokes from one side to the other, high and low.


She tells me that she sees this as the Holy Spirit breaking into her life.  I really want to see this part of the vision.  I only see the Holy Spirit acting in my life when I look back at what I have just lived through.  I have never felt the hand of God in such a strong way as in this vision.  Yet, there is more than hope here.  She has the same injury, she has lost the same things I have lost.  She is loved by the same God I am loved by.  I told her then that the verse that keeps me from ending my life, the light, if you will, that is in my dark well, is "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28 (ESV)  That is my light. That is my hope.  She just gave me a physical picture of what that looks like.  I was called to teach, and I have come to teach, for I do love the Lord, and I show this by loving his people.  So, in a sense, I have the beams of light in my dark well of despair as well.




Water of Hope

Learning to Trust in the Lord

Her vision did not stop there, however.  She then told me that she now felt that the well was being filled with water.  Even though the darkness had been pierced by the Light of the Holy Spirit, she, and I, were still holding on to the ladder, and still losing in our despirate fight to not let go.  And her arms were failing.  Just as she was about to give up, God began to fill the well with water, so that when her fingers lost their grip, she was already floating in the water that God had put there to catch her.


This part scares me.  I know he is there, and that he will catch me, but I still want to hold on.  I still do not want to relax, and let him do it.  I have so little control over my life, so few choices I can make for myself, that letting go, and letting God keep me afloat still feels like running away.  So, I am still holding on with all my strength; my fingers are still cramping, and I still don't see that water coming up to catch me.


And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” — Matthew 14: 23 - 33


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There is more though.  Yes, her vision rocked me to the core of my being, but she also supplied me with some living water.  The bible tells us that we each have gifts, and one is highlighted in Acts 2:17 "“‘And in the last days it shall be, God declares, that I will pour out my Spirit on all flesh, and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions, and your old men shall dream dreams;"  This women I had just met, calling what I had done surviving, when I call it being a burden, describing my emotions exactly, and putting God into my life in a way I would have never been able to do, saw visions, making God tangible to me.

Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”