Chocking on the Fear

Photo - Anonymous

I got this picture the other day in my email inbox.  It instructed me to look at the far right side of the photo, notice the people there near the guard rail, looking at the pickup truck.  It went on and pointed out that the truck was traveling in the opposite direction from where it stopped, at 70 mph, when it lost control and crashed through the guard rail, jumped the culvert and landed on the ledge facing in the opposite direction.  Finally, for this picture, it pointed out that the two passengers in the pickup truck were NOT injured.  That would generate some fear in my life, I would think. But, if you know me at all, or you have read anything I have ever written, you already know that God is the reason that they survived.  Pretty awesome God.

When I started karate, I had never spent more than a few moments feeling fear.  Sure, there were things in my life I did not look forward to, like punishment and the like from my childhood years, but fear was never really a part of it.  More like duty or acceptance.  This is going to suck, but then there is tomorrow, and everything will be all right.  I have often looked back at my childhood and young adulthood, the parts that I can remember, (I don't remember much - I have TBI, which has robbed my of most of my long term memory and much of my short term memory - for more about this, click Here.) and I have determined that I always felt safe and loved. Safe because either I absolutely trusted my family to keep me safe, no matter what, or later on, because I rested on my own power and knew that I was safe because I had always made it so.  There had never been a problem I could not turn into a positive, generally without thought or plan.  Kinda like Midas' magic fingers. I could make me and anyone around me feel alright. So, having personal experience with being able to convert apocalypse into sunny beaches, I swallowed a Big Lie that I have still not been able to shake, even unto today. The lie that I learned within the first few hours of resuming my martial arts training after my injury was, "FEAR is not real.  It stand for False Evidence Appearing Real."

Photo - Used by Permission www.GoodJobNotes.com

Sure, being able to reduce FEAR into the abstract allows you to let it go, so the acronym actually works.  Don't confuse "actually works" with actually happens however.  Doing so is the equivalent of believing that the sun is actually drawn by a chariot from the East to the West every day by Apollo.  Assuming Apollo is riding the chariot around the world every day does explain why the sun rises and sets rather well, it is just not true.  A working model, so to speak, but nothing more.  I still think about this acronym when fear is washing over me.  It is my first thought.  It is my life line to sanity.  It is one of my largest problems in my faith now, and it has become a god to me.  For example, when my insurance company decided that they would no longer honor their side of my disability insurance, and sued my family for some huge amount of money, I was thrown into fear that nearly took my life.  Despair mixed with power from somewhere else creates a feeling of hopelessness faster than you can imagine.  There was nothing I could do, since THEY were subjecting me to pressure that required money, and lots of it, to defend against.  Most people think that justice is guaranteed within the USA, as I did, but that simply is not true.  Justice is a commodity that must be purchased, and the insurance company was made of money.  I have never found out what their real motive was.  I have been told by many attorneys that it was only about money, meaning they knew they could get mine, but I have a hard time accepting the role of the victim, so I still don't know. Anyway, I stood to lose my house, I had already lost my car, and my wife and daughter stood to lose their business. I was afraid. Turn your stomach into a fire, weaken your knees and make you sick all the time type of fear.

I had begun to rationalize the fear into one of my steady state conditions, paranoia, by waking up each day, telling myself that it was False Evidence Appearing Real. In other words, I was paranoid, because this could not really happen, and I was really safe.  I just thought I was at risk. I knew that I had not done anything wrong and they, meaning the insurance company, knew that. At some point, this situation really had to go away.  Yet, for years and years, it only got worse.  I lost contact with my wife, daughter, karate, faith and myself.  I was physically there, I just was not present.  I watched movies and ate.  I hated myself and contemplated, even planned a few times, how to end my own life.  I talked to my pastors, who only told me to hold on and it would work out.  In other words, they told me that it was False Evidence Appearing Real too.  Just hang on.  

Then my mental health councilor told me that it was NOT paranoia, but rather I was afraid of a real risk.  Real evidence appearing real.  Victory. I was right all along. They really were coming to get me.

Not really.  My heart sank even further.  I had nothing left to hang onto.  They were really coming to get me and there really was nothing for me to do. Hope had been banished from the building.

Yet, though I did in fact lose both my income and my car forever, I did not lose everything.  I had forgotten one very important thing.  I forgot that I was NOT alone.  God was with me.  Zechariah 4:6 (NIV) "So he said to me, “This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty."

The evidence was real enough. They were after me.  What I had forgotten was that is was not by my own power through which salvation came.  I could not defense myself, for the first time I could remember in my life.  I was literally standing in the storm, and the water was coming toward my mouth.  My only choice was stand and wait for the end to come, which was not far off, or end the pain and duck under the waves.  I not only considered ducking under the waves, I actually planed it.  I might have actually tried to duck under the waves, but that is a different story.  In the end, my wife, daughter and fellow martial artists propped me up long enough for me to see the life boat coming. When the insurance company finally dropped the suit, I was thinking about God, "took you long enough to rescue me."  What I missed was that I WAS rescued.  God is outside of time.  He already knew he was beside me. He already knew how he was going to pull me out.  I just did not trust him to do it.  I needed it to be on my time, my schedule my way.  I even tried to do it myself, by saying over and over to myself, "False Evidence Appearing Real," hoping I could save myself by just accepting that I had made choices that I could now change.  I was so busy trying to save myself or lamenting my "fate," I forgot to invite my God into my problem.  He already knew what the problem was, and compared the stuff he has to deal, it was puny.  I forgot that FEAR was the problem, and I needed to tell my FEAR that my God was bigger than it.

God is the solution, for sure.  I know that now. Why is it, then, that I am at this very moment terrified of what might happen tomorrow?  I would like to say that it is my brain injury, but that would be telling my FEAR that it is false.  It is not false.  The world is a horrible and broken place, and there are few you can lean on and rely on.  I am blessed to be able to rely on my wife and daughter, though I forget that more than I remember it.  However, what I did not remember or know until this very day, this very moment, was that God already has already solved it.  I just am not paying attention.  I FEAR what may happen so much, I forget to worship at the feet of Jesus, and instead worship at the feet of the monetary system that rules our world.  I keep letting my solutions run through my mind. I could feel the boat bumping up against me while I stood within the storm, but all I felt was annoyance.  I actually, metaphorically speaking, looked at the boat as an unwelcome distraction, batting it away in my mind.

So today I bring the solution to YOU and to my life.  Instead of bringing my list of woe and pain to the Lord, as a menu of things I need from him, I will instead bring my God to my problems. I am not telling you to stop communicating to God about your problems.  Far from it.  He already knows for sure, but any solid relationship involves honest and direct communication.  We are supposed to lay our problems at his feet.  So lay them out.  Yet, the power is in the faith, not in the action of telling him the problems.  God IS on the job. Bring him into your loop.  Bring him INTO the problem.

How, you may ask?  

Open the freaking door.  Sometimes, in order to understand how God works his spiritual will in our physical world, actually physical actions help us see it happen. Physically, with your left or right hand, reach up and act out opening a door.  Sure, it is going to look strange. People might see you pantomiming, and you without your white face paint, you are going to look strange, but do it anyway.  Open the door, and look in.  If your fear is anything like mine, you can see, feel, smell, taste and maybe hear it.  There it is. The bible, the very word of God, promises us that if you open the door, God will walk in.  As you are looking in, you should smile at your fear, because your God is already there.  I actually said, "I'm sorry, but you have already lost.  FEAR, this is my God", and turned my back and walked away. 

Revelation 3:20 - "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me."

When Jesus said this, we has talking about Spiritual Power and Spiritual Salvation. Remember the verse Zechariah 4:6 above, where the Lord told Zerubbabel that the oil would burn endlessly because of God's Spiritual Power? God acted in the physical world with Spiritual Power. We tend to make our God too small, and say, because science tends to deny spiritual power, that God's actions are only in the spiritual part of our existence. We do that, in spite of knowing that Paul and Peter brought people back to life, gave them back their ability to walk and see. We do that because our faith is far smaller than a mustard seed, and we are worshiping our FEAR. Stop it.  Open the door.  Physically open the door, and introduce your FEAR to your GOD. Then, by faith, turn you back and walk away, because the boat is already there to rescue you and your FEAR prevented you from see it.

Back to the email I got that I mentioned at the beginning.  You probably would now see that I am pushing the point that God can do anything.  That God turned the whole thing around for those two in the truck.  But, when I saw this picture, I too saw that, as the email directed me to see.

I was wrong.  My GOD was far too small.  I cropped GOD right out of the picture, so to speak. look now at the real picture, and see how big your GOD really is.

Looking Through the Window at God's Life

Christmas Eve we attended the church we went to 20 years ago, oddly, before I was saved.  We normally attend this church Christmas Eve because they have the pomp and circumstance we expect for Christmas, including the Candle Light singing of Silent Night at the end of the service. I love that.

We miss that tradition, so we attend.  The last few years the message has drifted further and further away of the real Jesus, and closer and closer to the "Jesus was a good example of good people," type of Jesus.  I don't believe 100% of the Bible is literal, but I do believe that most of it is literal, as far as translation and historical context will allow. I also believe that it is the word of God, not the word of man or religion, so we have issue with Jesus as only a Good example, unless he is also Real and God.

So we did not expect much from this service.  We were there for the pomp, and the candles and the singing of silent night.

It's funny, God seems to know when I am being cynical, and shows up just to let me know I am being a putz.  He showed up Christmas Eve, and the pastor taught me something I had never quit thought of before.  It is still setting me back and making me think.  I have waited a week to write this down, for fear that I imagined it. I didn't, so here goes.

In business, most Christians set goals, because as we all know, "you can't get there, unless you know where there is".  Imagine, I was once told, where Christoper Columbus would have ended up if he left Spain without a plan.  Wait a minute, I always think, he did have a plan.  He was going to sail to India, and prove the world was round.  He failed on the India part.  He found Hispaniola instead.
Yet, most people still think goal setting is required.  This mystifies me. 

One of my friends, someone who used to be one of my spiritual role models, and is, in fact, one of my spiritual parent, is a real good example of goal setting gone wrong.  He told me he decided he was going to have 500 or 600 hundred karate students.  He prayed about it.  He decided God agreed, so he set about writing a plan for getting 600 student.  He almost made it. See, God helped him reach his goals.

I do not see it that way.  This, in retrospect, is how it looks to me.  He decided what he wanted.  His goal.  The he spiritualized it, by asking God to help him achieve it.  That is kinda like looking in the mirror and scrutinizing what you see, compared to what you want to see, in the light of Christ. When you see the difference, you go about make cosmetic changes, to bring the image of you closer to the image you want to see. That, for sure, is way better than never looking.  If you just did what you wanted to do, and never checked your behavior or your motives against the Word or the Spirit (the mirrors in this example), you would be living as most people, and most Christians do.  You would be living on your own power.  So what he did, by checking his behavior in the mirror, after he had decided what his behavior was going to be, is a level of maturity that most of us do not have the courage to achieve.  So I followed him, for I was not even close to being able to do that at the time.

It did not work out so well.  Goals kept feeling like me holding up my own power and plans to the Lord, and asking him to bless them. You know what I mean, I think. An example would be, Lord, I took this job because it gave me a chance to earn more money.  Thank you God for giving me this blessing.  Please help me reach my income goals so I can be a better (father, husband, wife, mother, provider.)  It seemed like I was asking God to Bless MY plans.

So I stopped.  I began asking God to tell me what I should do.  I don't "hear" God, or "see" God as some people do.  I see him in my history and the blessings that occur around me, and in the nudging I get in prayer and from my pastor and fellow Sunday School teachers, my students and their families. Or, sometimes, from the overwhelming conviction that a certain behavior, lesson or action is necessary of me.  Then I do it.

Mostly, I am nudged by my current spiritual advisers to teach, and stop freaking out about it.  I am reminded by actions, words and testimony that my gift is teaching and leading.  So that is what I do.  Whenever I slip into to goal setting or business, I, and everyone around me, fails.  Worse, I get ill, physically and mentally, and am unable to exercise my gift of teaching.  So I stop doing that more and more every day and week. (As I have TBI, when I say I get ill, I mean ILL.  Vomiting, headaches, GI issues, panic attacks and more.)

Then, during one of my spiritual crisis's, Christmas arrived, and we went to the service I mentioned above, for the pomp.

The pastor said, freaking me out quit a bit, "most Christians see Jesus' life as a mirror.  I encourage you to see it as a window."  Don't decide to look at what you already are, and what you are already are doing, and then change it based on what you see in the mirror, when you read the bible or contemplate on the life of Christ. You see, I had finally discovered how to use Jesus as a mirror, and I thought of it in those words. It was like he was talking to me.  I really hate when that happens, as it is happening, because it is hard for me to remember that it is the Spirit of the Lord rather than him actually knowing.  Paranoia is also part of TBI.  I wanted to get up and leave.  If I could have, without being noticed I would have.

Rather, he suggested, look at the life of Jesus as a Window into the world of Jesus, the only perfect man, and START everything in your life with what you see in through the window, rather than modifying what you are already doing. Don't decide what you want, and then go do it, but rather see what Jesus would do and want, in your situation, and go do that.  Have faith, he encouraged us, in the life of the Christ, and model your life, your business and your actions after him.  Do as he would do.

So, instead of putting a band aid on you actions, that you have decided on, and you have controlled, build the New Man, and rebuild from what you see through the window of the Bible and Jesus' life.

Wow.

Ouch.

Wow.

But, I hesitate to write the next part.  

So What?

Honestly, for me, knowing that you need to model your life after Jesus is ground breaking, but nearly useless.  

Just how do you do that?  

It is almost to the point of Christian Ease or Slang, which reminds me of a video that one of my friends posted a link to on facebook.com.  I show it to you here, for you amusement, but also so you know that I, and perhaps you, are not the only one that hears the words, understands the words, but have no idea how to do it.

So, since this was such a kick in the pants to me, I am going to share with you how I can do this through the window modeling, without turning it into Christian Ease.

I have friends, a spouse and and adult child who are all strong Christians, to whom I go to for advise.  My personal board of directors, if you will.  This is critical for me, since I have a major brain injury, and I live in a world of self doubt, confusion, loss of impulse control, depression, migraines, illness and paranoia from the dark side of hell.  I find it hard to see good in anything I do but find it easy to see the harm and evil in everything I do.  And yet, I have just begun to see through the window, and am beginning to model my actions after the Lord.

I found out what my gift was.  Jesus was the disciples pastor.  He guided them, pushed them, and told them when he had to, what to do and not do.  I asked and still ask my pastor, and my "board of directors," what my gifts are.  Nearly every day.  They have to be sick of telling me, but that is the life of TBI.  I am still in shock that I can teach, when before and after teaching and Sunday School, or at karate, I am ill.  I immediately seek feedback, so I don't spend too much time under the covers in my bed, hiding from reality.  They told me my gifts. 

You should ask your family, pastor and friends what your gifts are.  They can pray about it, but they probably already see it.  I am told, that we are the last to know what are gifts are, because they seem so natural to us.  I teach as I breath, without thinking or effort, so I would never have know.

You should be thankful for your Gift to the Lord.  In that act of being thankful, you admit that you are aware of what God wants you to do with your life.  It is really hard to ignore God's plans for you if you know that he knows that you know.  So thank him, with words, in prayer.  Every day, or as the Bible suggests, always. Thankfulness is also good, because it prevents ego from getting in the way.  It is really easy, once you know you are good at something, Holy Spirit good, to look at others and notice they are NOT good or at least not as good as you.  The next most natural reaction is to take credit for it yourself, and rub other peoples faces in it.  That is nuts.  Be thankful, and your Ego will stay in check.  I have done it many times the ME way. When I finally discover how pompous my actions and life has become, it hurts.  In my case, it drives me away from everyone, as depression and paranoia take over. Be thankful.

Ask for wisdom in using your gift.  Clearly, one of the things you see through the window of the Bible is Solomon asking for wisdom to use the many gifts that God gave him.  How well did that work our for him?  He lost control of his ego, even though he was the wisest man that would ever live, short of Jesus.  He lost control.  We have the Holy Spirit, thanks to Jesus' sacrifice, so we have a power he did not have to draw on, but even he asked for wisdom.  Model you life after that picture through the window.  I ask for it daily.  It slows me down, and allows me to see, feel and understand the Spirit actions in my life. I have been told that "feelings" are not good to follow, but recently, I have begun to feel the spirit is my life.  It is kinda super cool.

So, live your life by looking through the window God has given us into how we are to live.  Model your future life by that picture, rather than changing superficial behaviors or justifying current actions.  God already has a plan for you, and it is Up to Him, if it is going to be.  You just have to look through the window, and do everything you can to follow the example.